Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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