Please don't use social media to get back at me.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
