please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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