My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
I understand Curling. That high.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
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