How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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