The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Randomize
