My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
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If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
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someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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