dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
