Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Randomize
