The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
Randomize
