Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
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