I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
