Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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