she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
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