if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
