The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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