I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
That was before I lit my hair on fire
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
