can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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