i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize
