her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
