I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
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i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
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I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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