I molested 6 butterflies tonight
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
