btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Don't tell me you're on acid again
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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