I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
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