why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
