Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
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