when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
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