Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Randomize
