Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
