a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
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