I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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