I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
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