There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Someone stole a lamp last night.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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