Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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