When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
His hands were made for my vagina.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
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