The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
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