Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
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