he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
