I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Randomize
