i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
