Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Randomize
