dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
