im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
