I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
