She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
