So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
