Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
