in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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