don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Randomize
