tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
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