i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
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