he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
