I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
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