I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
