why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
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