So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Randomize
