see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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