Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
If you need anything just hit me up
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud