if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Randomize
