Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
