I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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